I realize I am having a very difficult time committing to blogging daily, even though it really helps with my frustration with EVERYTHING. I don’t know what it is lately, but I am totally just exhausted. I have said it over and over and over and over for awhile: I need a BREAK. I need sleep and some time for myself. I feel like a bad mom for even thinking that, but whatever. My kids are wonderful, and gorgeous, and completely EXHAUSTING. Thank goodness for mommy friends who understands.
I think I may spend this blog venting my frustration, because I really just need to get it all out there. So, sorry for the whining and overall gloominess of this whole post. Seriously, just stop reading if you’re looking for bubbly motherhood stories.
I am incredibly thankful for the life I have now, and I do my best to show that I appreciate it. I know that I fail a lot of the times, because I let the house get messy or I am not always outwardly loving as I should be. Erik is a fantastic father and provider. He is a great partner. I adore him. But lately, I’ve been incredibly lonesome. It’s not that he works crazy long hours, or that he’s never home. He and I have just been amiss in our relationship for a little while. We’re not fighting, but we both have very different ideas for how we want our relationship to be at this point. I think it’s causing a bit of tension, and it’s been seriously affecting my moods. On top of all of that, our three year anniversary is this coming Sunday. East Tennessee offers nothing exciting to do other than bad food, bad service, and a big whopping NOTHING. I miss you, Indiana. 😦
Motherhood has been incredibly frustrating for a couple weeks now, and I have been irritated with how I’ve handled myself. Toddlers, according to almost any mother, are extremely difficult sometimes. Margot is hitting a point where she just will not listen. I don’t know why, but she will just sit there and ignore anything I’ve said to her. I have lost my patience with her, and I have worded things in mean ways. It’s really immature, and I have guilt. I hate myself for even thinking about being mad at her. She’s TWO, Brittany. I love her immensely, but I could really appreciate her listening. Jude is starting to get his top two teeth; he isn’t sleeping well. Therefore, I am not sleeping well. He is a sweet boy, and I know that he doesn’t mean to be difficult. It’s really hard.
I don’t have a job, and therefore do not have any money. Erik has set up an account that he will put money into if I need it, but that has sat on $0.00 for awhile. I’m not complaining, because that is HIS money. We aren’t married, and I am not entitled to it. My point here is that I am desperate to find a way to start earning my own money while being able to stay at home with the kids. The only real way to do that, I think, is by joining some Mary Kay/Scentsy/Cutco/whatever MLM type company. I hate the whole concept of MLMs, because a lot of the time they are a huge waste of money and time. If that’s what I need to do, though, I am willing to bust my ass to make my own money. I hate relying on Erik to give me money. So if any of you have ideas, please send them my way.
I may schedule an appointment with my gynecologist, who I consider my primary care doctor. I am experiencing some pretty serious migraines, mood swings, and overall disconnect from normalcy since I started on my Mirena. Don’t get me wrong, I love the concept of it. But I’ve noticed that I have really struggled to lose the last seven pounds from my pregnancy with Jude. I’m not chubby or anything, but as a petite woman I would like to be able to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans I’ve worked hard to fit into again. I have almost no sex drive left, and that’s pretty personal. It makes Erik and I’s “intimate” life difficult. He feels inadequate, when that’s really not the case at all. The migraines and mood swings top the bill for me. As a SAHM, there is no time to be depressed or having mind searing light sensitivity. I have to be on my A game 100% of the time. Having said all that, it’s probably time that I schedule an appointment with Dr. Earl.
I guess this concludes my rant, but don’t judge me. I’m not myself tonight. I just need a release. I need to get away or be alone, or something.